If you’re excited for the Super Bowl matchup today between the San Francisco 49ers and the Kansas City Chiefs, Dale Gribble has a message for you – “The Super Bowl was pre-taped six months ago in the same Nevada hangar where they faked the moon landing.”
Hank’s best friend and the most paranoid crackpot in Arlen, Texas has a lot of distrust of the federal government and virtually any institution or living creature. Despite his paranoia, however, Dale is unable to grasp even the most obvious facts, such as his wife Nancy’s ongoing affair with local stud John Redcorn.
Even when you think you’ve heard all of the Dale conspiracy theories, he comes up with another elaborate, totally unfounded notion to add to the theory pile. With the series returning soon, let’s hope we have some more great ones to add to the list. RIP Johnny Hardwick!
9. Global Warming Is a Government Plot
In the pilot episode, Dale uncovers the real reason behind the pollution control features in Hank’s truck. The government is using it to control the warmth of Earth and keep the masses from having oranges grown in Alaska.Obviously, King of the Hill wastes no time establishing that Dale exists in his own imaginative realm of governmental overreach.
8. Fire Ants Murdered L. Ron Hubbard
In “King of the Ant Hill,” Dale calmly shares what he believes really killed the notorious author of Dianetics and founder of Scientology. Fire ants aren’t just a nuisance, but a group of organized murderers!”These fire ants are well-organized, highly trained insects,” he says. “They’ll swarm all over you and sting you all at once without warning on a single command. It’s how they killed L. Ron Hubbard.”
7. The Super Bowl Is Taped Six Months in Advance
Hank is torn between watching the Super Bowl and playing God in “Meet the Manger Babies,” but Dale helpfully puts things back into perspective.
“The Super Bowl was pre-taped six months ago in the same Nevada hangar where they faked the moon landing,” he points out. So the Super Bowl is just as fixed as pro wrestling, but with a much better budget and an unknown clandestine purpose.
6. The U.S. Postal Service and the Red Cross Want Citizens Fat and Docile
Before his conversion to a pro-American stance in “Dale to the Chief,” Dale shares with Hank the real reason why Hank is having so much difficulty navigating the bureacracies of the post office and the DMV.”I’ll tell you why your license is taking so long,” Dale explains. “The U.S. Postal Service is bogged down in the most elaborate psyops campaign in history. First they fatten us up with all those 2-for-1 pizza coupons, then when we’re too logy to put up a fight, they sell us off to the Red Cross, who removes our kidneys, which go back on the pizzas to start the process all over again.”
5. The Pyramids Were Originally Built Upside Down
In “Texas City Twister,” Dale hints at his belief that the pyramids originally had large flat tops and rested on their points.
“You know how the Egyptians un-tipped the pyramids, don’t you? With a winch, a cinder block, and 50,000 Hebrew slaves,” he says. “You got a cinder block?”So wait, if the Egyptians just un-tipped the pyramids, who put them there in the first place?
4. Dale’s Son Is an Extraterrestrial
In “Of Mice and Little Green Men,” Hank worries that finally Dale finally figured out the obvious: that his son, Joseph, is actually the love child of his wife and John Redcorn. It turns out that Dale knows that Joseph isn’t really his son… But rather than reaching the obvious conclusion, he believes Joseph is the son of an alien!After all, what better way to distract a man from discovering “the truth” than to saddle him with the responsibility of fatherhood?
3. Peanut Allergies Are the Result of Peanuts Fighting Back Against Humanity
With peanut allergies becoming increasingly common, Dale shares his theory on the phenomenon in “Naked Ambition.” In his paranoid, needlessly complex estimation, peanuts have evolved and developed a defense mechanism to prevent themselves from being safely eaten.
The war between man and peanut has begun.
2. Dale Is Not Dale, But Is Instead a Clone From the Future
In the episode “The Incredible Hank,” Dale shares this gem with his friends:
“So it turns out I’m not the actual Dale Gribble, but a clone of him. The original Dale Gribble is a super-warrior from the year 2087. The second me, i.e. I, was created to help the first me fight the invading Mongol armies.”The testosterone-fueled Hank tears down Dale’s claim, using a punch to the arm as an exclamation point.
1. Fidel Castro Stole Dale’s Lawnmower to Make a Submarine
In “Dog Dale Afternoon,” Hank and the guys play a prank on Gribble by stealing his precious riding lawn mower. Things take a turn when Dale’s ultra-paranoia expands into super-ultra-paranoia. It gets so out of control that Dale truly believes Cuban communists are involved in the theft of his beloved mower.”I’d like to live in your fairy-tale world, Hank,” Dale explains, “but the Fair Play For Cuba Committee is retrofitting my mower to power Fidel’s one-man escape sub.”